I don't want to be your "darling daughter".
Not until you become a real Father.

Can't do this anymore.

I hate to do this, I mean I really do. I don't want to write an emo blog but I just really feel, so broken down right now. I just can't take the stress of my life any longer. I can't deal with living in this house anymore. I can't deal with having the father that I have. And I hate being the one who wants to make changes when no one else is able or willing to help me. I can't do this on my own. and trying to has stressed me out so much. I cannot believe how much I cry nowadays. I want to leave so much. I want to get out, get away, and not worry about fixing houses, having enough money, or being afraid to go outside for fear of being raped, kidnapped, mugged, or assaulted. I shoudlnt have to worry about any of those things. And to have to take on all of this at this age is making me want to run away so badly. I don't have any more tears left and I just want to say "hey, I'm done doing all of this for you until you step up and help me. im leaving and if YOU decide YOU ever need help, call me." Becuase I have done so much. I try to set up family meetings to say ok guys, let's make a change. And last monday, I did set one up. And I really felt god work in us. But there are STILL problems with my dad, and now my mom has tore her calf muscle and is unable to walk on it for 5 weeks. thus meaning she can't possibly help me move any closer to our goal of moving before august first. I know my dad wont help because he is completely opposed to moving. And I know my brother wont help because he was once this age too, trying to get things to change, but he too became too stressed out and couldnt take being the "adult" in the situation anymore, and now hes 19, and can do whatever he pleases. He stays away from this place as much as possible. He's found a way out of this. But I havent. And I'm stuck. But if I back out this hosue will never ever be fixed and I will never get out of this situation. Which makes me want to back out on all of it and just leave. I really want to just move in with some friends right now, and just tell my parents that if they want help ill come over to help. But this is too much for me. Way too much. Each day keeps on getting harder, and harder, and harder. And I hate it. I can't do this anymore and I don't know what to do. I want to fast forward through this all. To being older, in a nice home, one where I feel safe, one that isn't falling apart... a neighborhood with friends in it...a place where i feel like i'm at HOME. This is not my home. This is simply just the junkyard I come home to every day. And most of the time, I just make a joke about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to leave while an army of people come fix up my house for me, while dropping random money for us to buy a new place. I shouldnt have to live like this. No one should.

Im sorry for the typos.

Intelligent thoughts at paneras. Not.

So, I'm currently not at my normal blogging place, but rather at a paneras. Which is also cool. What did I get? I got an asiago bagel with a strawberry smootie. HECK YES. It was good good good. I was diligently....or diligently trying to do work when some thoughts started popping up in my head. This weekend I saw a lot of..loving going on. And It got me thinking about my own life. I've had one boyfriend in the past, but that is in the past, and now that that's over I havent felt that kind of love in a long, long time it seems. And although that relationship seemed to be strong and lasted a long time, I don't think that I understood love the way I do now. I was young, and althought it was great while it lasted, it felt hollow at the same time. But I feel like I understand love now, even though I have never experienced it full on. And now every time I think of that relationship it's not as important to me because I know everyone has their firsts, and that first was a good experience and it taught me even thought it didnt last forever. And it's not to say that I think I NEED that kind of love in my life, because being single has it's greatness. But for me, I kind of like someone new right now. And I'm feeling bad lately about not being able to get to know him better or hang out. I'm almost afraid that if our friendship doese eventually over time grow to be the start of a new realtionship, that he wont want to be with me because I am always so busy. But I feel like I enjoy being with him enough to quit other things in my life to get to know him better. Also, I worry about telling the next guy I date that I have had a boyfriend in the oast, for fear that if they have not that they won;t want to date me or ask me out because they think I am more "experienced" or whatever and don't want to feel like a loser or inexperienced or something. I dont think of myself as being anywhere NEAR expert level. my one anf only first relationship taught me a few things that can only make me better at being a girlfriend and I want them to think that instead of thinking something else. I don't know...
I just wish I got to hang out with this guy more often. I mean I really think I am starting to seriously like him even though we dont talk that often. Another thing is that I kind of get the vibe that he is the "let's just be friends type" and so I wouldnt want to push letting him know how awesome I think he is as so not to freak him out which would only make him distance me even more.
So, for now I'm just laying low, talking whenever I can with him, but staying chill about it. If he ends up liking me the same way I like him, great. awesome. But I won't push it. We'll just have to see. I'm just going to let life take me where it will and see where I end up. If only things were easier....

BLAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!HHHHH!!!!!!!!

So my life update as of today...I was experiementing not taking my meds for a few weeks because I didnt feel like I needed them anymore, because I was all "omg i feel greeaaaat" for a few weeks without it, and now today, I feel super zombie-ish and I'm like freakishly hungry and I feel like a fatty and I'm feeling sick which doesent help...ugh My throat hurts and my chest and urrg. I also have to go to a retreat tomorrow night that I don't reall want to go to, but yeah. I'll also probably be even sicker by then. Not cool. :(

But also, the new facebook format is like not cool either. I feel like everythign I post goese to like everyone...I mean, dont get me wrong, if you post something on the internet, it's there. And it's not going away. Anyone can see it. But I mean, with the old facebook at least not THAT many people would see what youw rote on someones wall but now it's all different and weird. well, thats my rant about facebook. Heres a survey for you :) haven't done one of these in a while.

1. What was the highlight of your week? probably monday, chillin in squirell hill and hangin with margaret.
2. Whose car were you in last? the harger's lol
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? unfirtunately, I'm not one of those people who can see into the future.
4. What color shirt are you wearing? black.
5. How long is your hair? short.
6. Are you good looking? meh.
7. Last movie you watched? Lars and the real girl. SO. WEIRD.
8. Who were you with? Emma and Anneke
9. Last thing you ate? carrots!
10. Last thing you drank? water
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? mayish. it SUCKED. not only was I hurt, but I was so stressed out for like the whole summer.
12. Who came over last? emmaluia.
13. Are you happy right now? blah, I feel sick :(
14. What did you say last? "ya"
15. Where is your phone? hmm...probably on the floor.*leans over* huh, I dont see it. I dunno.
16. What color are your eyes? a weird brownish color. sometimes the look orangey/brown to me.
17. Are you left-handed? nope
18. Spell your name without vowels: Z. good one.
19. Do you have any pets? 5 of em!
20. Favorite Vacation? beachh or camping
21. What do you dislike currently? feeling crappy
22. What are you listening to? Let Go, Frou Frou
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Jesus visible and right in front of me.
24. What is your favorite scent? flowers or citrus
25. Who makes you happiest? a lot of things. good music, good art, laughing, smiling...someone..
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? going to bed
27. When is your birthday? October 27th
28. Who has the same phone as you? i doubt anyone...who else would buy their phone from the dollartree but me? IM CHEAP AS A MOWPHO AND I LAAAIIIKEE IT.
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? uh..wow I dont know!
30. Do you read your horoscope? pfft no
31. Where was the last place you bought something? Rue21
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? it sucks
33. Do you bite your nails? all the time :(
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
35. Do you have any expensive jewelery? nah
36. Myspace or facebook? facebook fo sho
37. How fast have you driven a car? never have....
38. Have you ever smoked? nope
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? art
40. Do you have Verizon? no
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? someone who is a little bit edgy, cute, funny, not afraid to be weird....someone who loves God and isnt afraid to say it, someone who loves music/art! ohhh yeah.
42. Do you have any hidden talents? hmm...I can write pretty darn well. And I can play Volleyball pretty well which is weird for me!
43. Favorite Song? right now I like "kids" by MGMT
44. Do you like to sing at all? oh absolutely!
45. Dream Job? i have no idea...something in the arts!
46. Where does most of your family live? my immediate family lives here...but my cousins on my moms side live in upper PA and then my fam on my dads side lives in Slovakia, and then one family lives in PA as well.
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? I have one older brother
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? completely the opposite.
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? my throat hurts.
50. Do you drink? not at all
51. Know any other languages? bits of spanish and German
52. Ever write a coded message? used to at PUCS with Meagan all the time!
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? not really, ive sung with my choir at a few weddings.
54. Do you have any children? wow, no
55. Did you take a nap today? no but I will when I'm done with this :)
56. Who has the same birthday as you? Kelly Osbourn. hah!
57. Ever met anyone famous before? uh....not reaaaaly...
58. Do you want to be famous one day? no. I mean a little bit of fame is ok but i dont want like photographers in my face all the time. But I think being on SNL when Im older would be freaking awesome!
59. Any Pet Peeves? mean people! dont be mean! :(
60. Are you multitasking right now? nope
61. Do you like Britany Spears? ew
62. What is your least favorite chore? SCRUBBING THE FRIDGE.
63. Last place you drove your car? nowhere.
64. Ever been out of the country? once last summah!
65. Where were you born? here in this city
66. Could you handle being in the military? it would be hard....
67. What is your average cell phone bill? like 2o bucks every few months.
68. Who are you thinking about right now? my phone because of that lasr question :)
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? hmm during SNL on Saturday night. it was a hilarious episode.
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? a lot....
71. Are your toes always painted? eh probably
72. How many piercings do you have? ears and cartillage
73. What are you doing today? nothinggg
74. Have you ever been gambling? naw
75. When is the last time you updated your page? hmm...i dont know
76. Do you like rollercoasters? YEAH!
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? no
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? Patrick Star
79. Last thing you cooked? uhh....
80. How's the weather? naaaiiicee
81. Do you e-mail? yup
82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? hmm im not sure...
83. Last time you were sick? today.
84. What states have you lived in? just here
85. Do you wish you could move? YES. TO SOMWHERE ELSE IN THIS CITY.
86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes? whaa?
87. What is your dream car? a bright yelow convertible
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have? I dont know if I can have them or not. well see. friends is OK if not.
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? somehwre BEAUTIFUL.
90. Are you happy with your life?sometimes.

So, I'm feeling better since my last blog. And now it's time to rant about my life to absolutely nobody but this computer which I'm typing on. I talked my my friend Veronica a few weeks ago, thank God I miss her. We dont nearly hang out as often as we used to...adn I miss that. I was supposed to see her a few saturdays ago, but that didnt work out because of guess who? my retarded dad. I was supposed to see everyone that day...and I miss them. And this weekend I have to go to some youth retreat and I wanted to go to Veronica's youth group that day....oh bum. Anyways, as I was chatting away on the phone with my friend Veronica, who currently goes to the highschool that I am anxiously awaiting my next letter to...said that the waiting list for the school was no big deal. She said tons of people always get on the waiting list, and that it has nothing to do with your artistic ability, which is a huge relief for me. Just waiting for that next letter. Anyways, now for recent life update. Yesterday was a good day. I biked up to squirell hill, which was the first long bike ride I've gone on in a while, and I did some work at the library, then had lunch at Paneras, (baked potatoe soup and an apple....OH YEAH.) Then I walked over to Avalon which is an awesome vintage store that I realy like, and I found this awesome grey tunic-y shirt that has a bike on the front and I love it. It's a bit odd shaped, but it still rocks. I told my mom that I'm going to keep this shirt until I'm pregnant (because it could totally be a pregnant shirt) and so there would be a bike on my baby bump :). Anyways, I biked to babysitting after that and took Charlie to the park and played some stuff with him at home, then I biked back to my house. Then I hung out with Margaret in the evening, and we met at this Pizza place near her house and it was awesome. Then we walked over to her aprartment (which has to be my FAVORITE apartment on the face of this earth) and we made this bomb chocolate chip banana bread while listening to some MGMT. I love how Margaret and all of her roomate are total hippies. I love Hippies. :D. Then She had to study for some doctorish looking test while I sketched some crazy clouds. Then when the banana bread was all done, we cut it up and put it in bowls with peabut butter chocolate icecream. It had to be the best thing....ever. I mean, it was good. Really good. Really super good. Then of course, I went home and ate the rest of the bana bread at my house myself. Typical.
Anyways, and now I'm at the Oakland Library, surprise surprise, sitting in the cool magazine section. This room is awesome because teh floor is hardwood, and its not a cornered room, well at least on the one end...the floor curves up, and turns into the wall. it's really cool. and most of this room is glass and it's suspended in the air. It'a cool room. I forgot money for dinner before I have to walk over to my church for choir, so I'm probably going to be really super hungry unless I ransack my church's kitchen for something yummy. Actually on second thought Zoe, Stealing food from a church? = not cool. Alright then. yeah. So Ill just do schoolwork here, and wander around a bit, then walk over to the church for chamber choir. I like chamber choir best. I always like chamber choir's music better than regular choir....but yeah I'm exited. Plus we get snack, which is awesome in my opinion. Everyone should have access to snacks. Snacks are amazing.
I think my thoughts are getting all messed up...I should stop typing. yeah. I'm gonna stop. Now. ok.

bye!

-Zoe

I feel really, really bad. I mean, really bad. I've been silent all day, and I feel like as soon as my mom comes home from chicago and asks me about this, Im going to crack, freak out and start bawling or something. SO, I got this email from my science teacher today telling me that I had two infractions from my mid unit four quiz. They were "cheating and plagiarizing". But let me explain. This is what happened. So, midway through the online test, I came across this essay. And the question just did not make sense to me. I looked through my textbook for a while for an answer (keep in mind, with pacyber you are allowed to use your text book during homework). So I searched through the glossary of the book, the index, the recent chapters I was leaning about, and I just could not figure out where to find it, and I didnt remember learning about it at all and I was really confused. SO I decided to stop my quiz for a few minutes and do some online research, which I thought was ok, since we were allowed to use our book. I guess I was just not thinking. Normal, stupid Zoe behavior. So, I typed in a few keywords on google, and this "yahooanswers" link popped up. Sometimes I use yahooanswers to ask some questions related to schoolwork when I need help, but I didn't know that that was bad. And the link that came up from google was my EXACT essay question, asked from some yahooanswers user. I was like "woah! cool! thats like the same question!" and somebody answered it in their own words. I figured wow, thats the closest to ever knowing what they are talking about since I couldnt even find it in my book. So, I read their answer, then typed it out in my own words. I wasnt thinking "Oh, I'm stealing their idea" at all. And I really thought I had put it into my own words enough! But today I get this email, sending me back to the yahoo link I had looked at before, and my teacher telling me that I had plagiarized from this source. I was shocked. I thought "Oh my God, I'm the bad kid. That bad kid who plagiarizes. That bad kid who cheats. That stupid kid who can't think. That horrible student who can't think for themselves". I went straight to bashing myself. I emailed her back and said I took complete and full responsibility for cheating. Even though I didn't know I was cheating...which is really really dumb of me. And I told my teacher that her class matters to me! my Schoolwork matters to me! I DOn't want to be a cheater! I don't want to be a Plagiarizer! I don't want to be "the bad student"!. I feel TERRIBLE. She was mad at me and I'm sure shes going to tell my Instructional supervisor about this who I have a good relationship with who thinks Im a good student. What will she think of me now? My mom got ane mail as well. She's in Chicago on a business trip supposed to be working and concentrating and she gets bothered by me? getting an email saying I was a plagiarizer? What doese my mom think of me? Her own daughter a filthy cheater? All I could do was send my mom the email I sent back to my teacher. I felt horrible. I'm humiliated too. I don't want to be thought of as a cheater. I dont want my mom to tell her co-workes "I just got an email informing me that my daughter plagiarized on a test!" I dont want all the adults I know well who trust and love me to think Im a bad kid now. And all for an essay that needed to me THREE sentances long. THREE. just three. I wasnt thinking it was a big deal! In fact I didnt even know it wasnt allowed to research online if we were allowed to look up answers in our texbooks, I thought "well Im cyberschooled, what other than to use the internet for resources right?". No. Im retarded. I'm a freaking idiot who makes stupid mistakes all the time and...ugh sometimes I just hate myself. I mean really hate myself. I used that person's idea and I knew it. I just thought that if I put it into my own words it was okay. I feel...like really really bad. And I know that if anyone reads this you guys will probably be angry at me too...or dissapointed or something. Thinking "why would she do that?" "thats not the girl I thought I knew" and I feel bad that you guys will probably think that if you read this. I'm not bad, and I really dont want anyone to think any less of me even though you probably will. Which is a terrible feeling. I just.....I don't know. This whole situation makes me feel like I deserve to go to jail or something.

Do I think enough?

So, I know. I kinda broke my promise aout daily blogging. I kinda sorta do that a lot. So I've been thinking lately..or rather just noticing about how I don't like to think. I like to feel. Thinking is too complex...and in my head, for some reason its like this unnescessary process, so I just go straight to "feel". I like to be outside, and feel the sun, feel the breeze, be within the outdoors....but I'm never really thinking..about anything. Doese that make me stupid? Am I too lazy to think? Sometimes, I really don't like myself. And I know that that's partially due to my depression, but I mean that's under controll. I just have a few minor symtoms here and there such as being super quiet, or...putting myself down. I don't mean for this blog to be completely trashing myself, but I kind of just want to put some stuff out there that I've been noticing about myself. I just feel like I'm like not talented at anything...like I have a bit of talent in a few thigns, but there are so many people around me that just seem to be AMAZING, and I'm just like super boring and not fun...
I hate the way that I dont think enough. Or at least I think I don't think/ Maybe I am thinking and I just don't know it...but I really wish I thought deep complex thoughts....I just notice the trees when Im walking, or how the clouds look. Im not thinking "ok, what do I need to do later?" or, "what's going on tomorrow?". And If i'm ever thinking anything at all, it's that Im thinking "my gosh I'm such a boring person, my thoughts are about nothing..."



But anyways, thats my random thoughts on today. I feel stupid. :(