I don't want to be your "darling daughter".
Not until you become a real Father.

Can't do this anymore.

I hate to do this, I mean I really do. I don't want to write an emo blog but I just really feel, so broken down right now. I just can't take the stress of my life any longer. I can't deal with living in this house anymore. I can't deal with having the father that I have. And I hate being the one who wants to make changes when no one else is able or willing to help me. I can't do this on my own. and trying to has stressed me out so much. I cannot believe how much I cry nowadays. I want to leave so much. I want to get out, get away, and not worry about fixing houses, having enough money, or being afraid to go outside for fear of being raped, kidnapped, mugged, or assaulted. I shoudlnt have to worry about any of those things. And to have to take on all of this at this age is making me want to run away so badly. I don't have any more tears left and I just want to say "hey, I'm done doing all of this for you until you step up and help me. im leaving and if YOU decide YOU ever need help, call me." Becuase I have done so much. I try to set up family meetings to say ok guys, let's make a change. And last monday, I did set one up. And I really felt god work in us. But there are STILL problems with my dad, and now my mom has tore her calf muscle and is unable to walk on it for 5 weeks. thus meaning she can't possibly help me move any closer to our goal of moving before august first. I know my dad wont help because he is completely opposed to moving. And I know my brother wont help because he was once this age too, trying to get things to change, but he too became too stressed out and couldnt take being the "adult" in the situation anymore, and now hes 19, and can do whatever he pleases. He stays away from this place as much as possible. He's found a way out of this. But I havent. And I'm stuck. But if I back out this hosue will never ever be fixed and I will never get out of this situation. Which makes me want to back out on all of it and just leave. I really want to just move in with some friends right now, and just tell my parents that if they want help ill come over to help. But this is too much for me. Way too much. Each day keeps on getting harder, and harder, and harder. And I hate it. I can't do this anymore and I don't know what to do. I want to fast forward through this all. To being older, in a nice home, one where I feel safe, one that isn't falling apart... a neighborhood with friends in it...a place where i feel like i'm at HOME. This is not my home. This is simply just the junkyard I come home to every day. And most of the time, I just make a joke about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to leave while an army of people come fix up my house for me, while dropping random money for us to buy a new place. I shouldnt have to live like this. No one should.

Im sorry for the typos.

Intelligent thoughts at paneras. Not.

So, I'm currently not at my normal blogging place, but rather at a paneras. Which is also cool. What did I get? I got an asiago bagel with a strawberry smootie. HECK YES. It was good good good. I was diligently....or diligently trying to do work when some thoughts started popping up in my head. This weekend I saw a lot of..loving going on. And It got me thinking about my own life. I've had one boyfriend in the past, but that is in the past, and now that that's over I havent felt that kind of love in a long, long time it seems. And although that relationship seemed to be strong and lasted a long time, I don't think that I understood love the way I do now. I was young, and althought it was great while it lasted, it felt hollow at the same time. But I feel like I understand love now, even though I have never experienced it full on. And now every time I think of that relationship it's not as important to me because I know everyone has their firsts, and that first was a good experience and it taught me even thought it didnt last forever. And it's not to say that I think I NEED that kind of love in my life, because being single has it's greatness. But for me, I kind of like someone new right now. And I'm feeling bad lately about not being able to get to know him better or hang out. I'm almost afraid that if our friendship doese eventually over time grow to be the start of a new realtionship, that he wont want to be with me because I am always so busy. But I feel like I enjoy being with him enough to quit other things in my life to get to know him better. Also, I worry about telling the next guy I date that I have had a boyfriend in the oast, for fear that if they have not that they won;t want to date me or ask me out because they think I am more "experienced" or whatever and don't want to feel like a loser or inexperienced or something. I dont think of myself as being anywhere NEAR expert level. my one anf only first relationship taught me a few things that can only make me better at being a girlfriend and I want them to think that instead of thinking something else. I don't know...
I just wish I got to hang out with this guy more often. I mean I really think I am starting to seriously like him even though we dont talk that often. Another thing is that I kind of get the vibe that he is the "let's just be friends type" and so I wouldnt want to push letting him know how awesome I think he is as so not to freak him out which would only make him distance me even more.
So, for now I'm just laying low, talking whenever I can with him, but staying chill about it. If he ends up liking me the same way I like him, great. awesome. But I won't push it. We'll just have to see. I'm just going to let life take me where it will and see where I end up. If only things were easier....

BLAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!HHHHH!!!!!!!!

So my life update as of today...I was experiementing not taking my meds for a few weeks because I didnt feel like I needed them anymore, because I was all "omg i feel greeaaaat" for a few weeks without it, and now today, I feel super zombie-ish and I'm like freakishly hungry and I feel like a fatty and I'm feeling sick which doesent help...ugh My throat hurts and my chest and urrg. I also have to go to a retreat tomorrow night that I don't reall want to go to, but yeah. I'll also probably be even sicker by then. Not cool. :(

But also, the new facebook format is like not cool either. I feel like everythign I post goese to like everyone...I mean, dont get me wrong, if you post something on the internet, it's there. And it's not going away. Anyone can see it. But I mean, with the old facebook at least not THAT many people would see what youw rote on someones wall but now it's all different and weird. well, thats my rant about facebook. Heres a survey for you :) haven't done one of these in a while.

1. What was the highlight of your week? probably monday, chillin in squirell hill and hangin with margaret.
2. Whose car were you in last? the harger's lol
3. When is the next time you will kiss someone? unfirtunately, I'm not one of those people who can see into the future.
4. What color shirt are you wearing? black.
5. How long is your hair? short.
6. Are you good looking? meh.
7. Last movie you watched? Lars and the real girl. SO. WEIRD.
8. Who were you with? Emma and Anneke
9. Last thing you ate? carrots!
10. Last thing you drank? water
11. When was the last time you had your heart broken? mayish. it SUCKED. not only was I hurt, but I was so stressed out for like the whole summer.
12. Who came over last? emmaluia.
13. Are you happy right now? blah, I feel sick :(
14. What did you say last? "ya"
15. Where is your phone? hmm...probably on the floor.*leans over* huh, I dont see it. I dunno.
16. What color are your eyes? a weird brownish color. sometimes the look orangey/brown to me.
17. Are you left-handed? nope
18. Spell your name without vowels: Z. good one.
19. Do you have any pets? 5 of em!
20. Favorite Vacation? beachh or camping
21. What do you dislike currently? feeling crappy
22. What are you listening to? Let Go, Frou Frou
23. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? Jesus visible and right in front of me.
24. What is your favorite scent? flowers or citrus
25. Who makes you happiest? a lot of things. good music, good art, laughing, smiling...someone..
26. What were you doing at midnight last night? going to bed
27. When is your birthday? October 27th
28. Who has the same phone as you? i doubt anyone...who else would buy their phone from the dollartree but me? IM CHEAP AS A MOWPHO AND I LAAAIIIKEE IT.
29. Last time you went swimming in a pool? uh..wow I dont know!
30. Do you read your horoscope? pfft no
31. Where was the last place you bought something? Rue21
32. How do you feel about your hair right now? it sucks
33. Do you bite your nails? all the time :(
34. Do you have any expensive jewelery?
35. Do you have any expensive jewelery? nah
36. Myspace or facebook? facebook fo sho
37. How fast have you driven a car? never have....
38. Have you ever smoked? nope
39. What was or is your favorite subject in school? art
40. Do you have Verizon? no
41. What type of boy or girl do you usually fall for? someone who is a little bit edgy, cute, funny, not afraid to be weird....someone who loves God and isnt afraid to say it, someone who loves music/art! ohhh yeah.
42. Do you have any hidden talents? hmm...I can write pretty darn well. And I can play Volleyball pretty well which is weird for me!
43. Favorite Song? right now I like "kids" by MGMT
44. Do you like to sing at all? oh absolutely!
45. Dream Job? i have no idea...something in the arts!
46. Where does most of your family live? my immediate family lives here...but my cousins on my moms side live in upper PA and then my fam on my dads side lives in Slovakia, and then one family lives in PA as well.
47. Are you an only child or do you have siblings? I have one older brother
48. Would you consider yourself to be spoiled? completely the opposite.
49. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up? my throat hurts.
50. Do you drink? not at all
51. Know any other languages? bits of spanish and German
52. Ever write a coded message? used to at PUCS with Meagan all the time!
53. Have you ever been IN a wedding? not really, ive sung with my choir at a few weddings.
54. Do you have any children? wow, no
55. Did you take a nap today? no but I will when I'm done with this :)
56. Who has the same birthday as you? Kelly Osbourn. hah!
57. Ever met anyone famous before? uh....not reaaaaly...
58. Do you want to be famous one day? no. I mean a little bit of fame is ok but i dont want like photographers in my face all the time. But I think being on SNL when Im older would be freaking awesome!
59. Any Pet Peeves? mean people! dont be mean! :(
60. Are you multitasking right now? nope
61. Do you like Britany Spears? ew
62. What is your least favorite chore? SCRUBBING THE FRIDGE.
63. Last place you drove your car? nowhere.
64. Ever been out of the country? once last summah!
65. Where were you born? here in this city
66. Could you handle being in the military? it would be hard....
67. What is your average cell phone bill? like 2o bucks every few months.
68. Who are you thinking about right now? my phone because of that lasr question :)
69. When was the last time you laughed REALLY hard? hmm during SNL on Saturday night. it was a hilarious episode.
70. How many pairs of shoes do you own? a lot....
71. Are your toes always painted? eh probably
72. How many piercings do you have? ears and cartillage
73. What are you doing today? nothinggg
74. Have you ever been gambling? naw
75. When is the last time you updated your page? hmm...i dont know
76. Do you like rollercoasters? YEAH!
77. Have you ever been to disneyland or world? no
78. Do you have a favorite cartoon character? Patrick Star
79. Last thing you cooked? uhh....
80. How's the weather? naaaiiicee
81. Do you e-mail? yup
82. What's the stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? hmm im not sure...
83. Last time you were sick? today.
84. What states have you lived in? just here
85. Do you wish you could move? YES. TO SOMWHERE ELSE IN THIS CITY.
86. Do you take all the QuizPox.com quizzes? whaa?
87. What is your dream car? a bright yelow convertible
88. Have you ever wanted someone you cant have? I dont know if I can have them or not. well see. friends is OK if not.
89. If you could be anywhere right now where would it be? somehwre BEAUTIFUL.
90. Are you happy with your life?sometimes.

So, I'm feeling better since my last blog. And now it's time to rant about my life to absolutely nobody but this computer which I'm typing on. I talked my my friend Veronica a few weeks ago, thank God I miss her. We dont nearly hang out as often as we used to...adn I miss that. I was supposed to see her a few saturdays ago, but that didnt work out because of guess who? my retarded dad. I was supposed to see everyone that day...and I miss them. And this weekend I have to go to some youth retreat and I wanted to go to Veronica's youth group that day....oh bum. Anyways, as I was chatting away on the phone with my friend Veronica, who currently goes to the highschool that I am anxiously awaiting my next letter to...said that the waiting list for the school was no big deal. She said tons of people always get on the waiting list, and that it has nothing to do with your artistic ability, which is a huge relief for me. Just waiting for that next letter. Anyways, now for recent life update. Yesterday was a good day. I biked up to squirell hill, which was the first long bike ride I've gone on in a while, and I did some work at the library, then had lunch at Paneras, (baked potatoe soup and an apple....OH YEAH.) Then I walked over to Avalon which is an awesome vintage store that I realy like, and I found this awesome grey tunic-y shirt that has a bike on the front and I love it. It's a bit odd shaped, but it still rocks. I told my mom that I'm going to keep this shirt until I'm pregnant (because it could totally be a pregnant shirt) and so there would be a bike on my baby bump :). Anyways, I biked to babysitting after that and took Charlie to the park and played some stuff with him at home, then I biked back to my house. Then I hung out with Margaret in the evening, and we met at this Pizza place near her house and it was awesome. Then we walked over to her aprartment (which has to be my FAVORITE apartment on the face of this earth) and we made this bomb chocolate chip banana bread while listening to some MGMT. I love how Margaret and all of her roomate are total hippies. I love Hippies. :D. Then She had to study for some doctorish looking test while I sketched some crazy clouds. Then when the banana bread was all done, we cut it up and put it in bowls with peabut butter chocolate icecream. It had to be the best thing....ever. I mean, it was good. Really good. Really super good. Then of course, I went home and ate the rest of the bana bread at my house myself. Typical.
Anyways, and now I'm at the Oakland Library, surprise surprise, sitting in the cool magazine section. This room is awesome because teh floor is hardwood, and its not a cornered room, well at least on the one end...the floor curves up, and turns into the wall. it's really cool. and most of this room is glass and it's suspended in the air. It'a cool room. I forgot money for dinner before I have to walk over to my church for choir, so I'm probably going to be really super hungry unless I ransack my church's kitchen for something yummy. Actually on second thought Zoe, Stealing food from a church? = not cool. Alright then. yeah. So Ill just do schoolwork here, and wander around a bit, then walk over to the church for chamber choir. I like chamber choir best. I always like chamber choir's music better than regular choir....but yeah I'm exited. Plus we get snack, which is awesome in my opinion. Everyone should have access to snacks. Snacks are amazing.
I think my thoughts are getting all messed up...I should stop typing. yeah. I'm gonna stop. Now. ok.

bye!

-Zoe

I feel really, really bad. I mean, really bad. I've been silent all day, and I feel like as soon as my mom comes home from chicago and asks me about this, Im going to crack, freak out and start bawling or something. SO, I got this email from my science teacher today telling me that I had two infractions from my mid unit four quiz. They were "cheating and plagiarizing". But let me explain. This is what happened. So, midway through the online test, I came across this essay. And the question just did not make sense to me. I looked through my textbook for a while for an answer (keep in mind, with pacyber you are allowed to use your text book during homework). So I searched through the glossary of the book, the index, the recent chapters I was leaning about, and I just could not figure out where to find it, and I didnt remember learning about it at all and I was really confused. SO I decided to stop my quiz for a few minutes and do some online research, which I thought was ok, since we were allowed to use our book. I guess I was just not thinking. Normal, stupid Zoe behavior. So, I typed in a few keywords on google, and this "yahooanswers" link popped up. Sometimes I use yahooanswers to ask some questions related to schoolwork when I need help, but I didn't know that that was bad. And the link that came up from google was my EXACT essay question, asked from some yahooanswers user. I was like "woah! cool! thats like the same question!" and somebody answered it in their own words. I figured wow, thats the closest to ever knowing what they are talking about since I couldnt even find it in my book. So, I read their answer, then typed it out in my own words. I wasnt thinking "Oh, I'm stealing their idea" at all. And I really thought I had put it into my own words enough! But today I get this email, sending me back to the yahoo link I had looked at before, and my teacher telling me that I had plagiarized from this source. I was shocked. I thought "Oh my God, I'm the bad kid. That bad kid who plagiarizes. That bad kid who cheats. That stupid kid who can't think. That horrible student who can't think for themselves". I went straight to bashing myself. I emailed her back and said I took complete and full responsibility for cheating. Even though I didn't know I was cheating...which is really really dumb of me. And I told my teacher that her class matters to me! my Schoolwork matters to me! I DOn't want to be a cheater! I don't want to be a Plagiarizer! I don't want to be "the bad student"!. I feel TERRIBLE. She was mad at me and I'm sure shes going to tell my Instructional supervisor about this who I have a good relationship with who thinks Im a good student. What will she think of me now? My mom got ane mail as well. She's in Chicago on a business trip supposed to be working and concentrating and she gets bothered by me? getting an email saying I was a plagiarizer? What doese my mom think of me? Her own daughter a filthy cheater? All I could do was send my mom the email I sent back to my teacher. I felt horrible. I'm humiliated too. I don't want to be thought of as a cheater. I dont want my mom to tell her co-workes "I just got an email informing me that my daughter plagiarized on a test!" I dont want all the adults I know well who trust and love me to think Im a bad kid now. And all for an essay that needed to me THREE sentances long. THREE. just three. I wasnt thinking it was a big deal! In fact I didnt even know it wasnt allowed to research online if we were allowed to look up answers in our texbooks, I thought "well Im cyberschooled, what other than to use the internet for resources right?". No. Im retarded. I'm a freaking idiot who makes stupid mistakes all the time and...ugh sometimes I just hate myself. I mean really hate myself. I used that person's idea and I knew it. I just thought that if I put it into my own words it was okay. I feel...like really really bad. And I know that if anyone reads this you guys will probably be angry at me too...or dissapointed or something. Thinking "why would she do that?" "thats not the girl I thought I knew" and I feel bad that you guys will probably think that if you read this. I'm not bad, and I really dont want anyone to think any less of me even though you probably will. Which is a terrible feeling. I just.....I don't know. This whole situation makes me feel like I deserve to go to jail or something.

Do I think enough?

So, I know. I kinda broke my promise aout daily blogging. I kinda sorta do that a lot. So I've been thinking lately..or rather just noticing about how I don't like to think. I like to feel. Thinking is too complex...and in my head, for some reason its like this unnescessary process, so I just go straight to "feel". I like to be outside, and feel the sun, feel the breeze, be within the outdoors....but I'm never really thinking..about anything. Doese that make me stupid? Am I too lazy to think? Sometimes, I really don't like myself. And I know that that's partially due to my depression, but I mean that's under controll. I just have a few minor symtoms here and there such as being super quiet, or...putting myself down. I don't mean for this blog to be completely trashing myself, but I kind of just want to put some stuff out there that I've been noticing about myself. I just feel like I'm like not talented at anything...like I have a bit of talent in a few thigns, but there are so many people around me that just seem to be AMAZING, and I'm just like super boring and not fun...
I hate the way that I dont think enough. Or at least I think I don't think/ Maybe I am thinking and I just don't know it...but I really wish I thought deep complex thoughts....I just notice the trees when Im walking, or how the clouds look. Im not thinking "ok, what do I need to do later?" or, "what's going on tomorrow?". And If i'm ever thinking anything at all, it's that Im thinking "my gosh I'm such a boring person, my thoughts are about nothing..."



But anyways, thats my random thoughts on today. I feel stupid. :(

Hello, my children, my children.

I feel the dire need to use color in my font today. Or I will die from color withdrawl. Todayw as a normal day. EXCEPT THAT EMMA CAME HOME. She's been gone for FOUR WHOLE days. And we will re-unite once again tomorrow with a cellebration of pancakes. I'll try and give you an update on my day...
OK so, I had math class in the morning from 8:00 to 9:00, it was boring, and I was sleepy the whole time. After class I just went back to sleep for until 11:30 or so by accident. Luckily I had locked my door by accident or something so my mom didn't open the door, she just knocked and said "what are you woking on in there?" And with that I was woken up and I answered her in my most I-am-so-awake-theres-no-way-you-can-think-im-asleep voice, (but I probably just sounded scary) and said "IM WOKRING ON MY MATH HOMEWORK!" and with that I got up and went out of my room for breakfast (with lifted eyebrows and probably rather rabid looking eyes. I was trying to look as awake as possible). After my moring start I did work on school. I had regualr babysitting as I usually do on monday afternoons. Except that today was special. Cahrlie had a song for me. A song he didn't stop singing the entire afternoon. "happy birthday to me, I'm 1,003, I'm still in pre-school, and I want my mommy. My mommy's at work, she hired a jerk, the herk was a monkey, and he ate my homework". so, that was Quite eventful. I love capital Q's!
Anyhow, got home, had the usual dog jumps on me and licks my face run-around, (always a good part of the day) had some bomb meatloaf for dinner (DONT BE HATIN MAMA'S MEATLOAF) and talked with meg on the phone for a while messing around with sound boards and recording our voices and slowing them down and making them sound creepy. The norm.

And now...I'm just blogging!(well, somebody's captain obvious) I've decided to give up icecream for lent. I was going to give up facebook, but that would most likely result in me having extreme facebook withdrawl and would make me go crazy. I dont think I want that...so were just gonna go with icecream. I'm feeling really silly today. I'm sorry I'm so strange.

Medium is coming on in a few minutes, So I'm gonna go watch it. HOLLA YOU FACE DOWN THE TELLY IF YOUD LIKE TO SPEAK WITH ME.

yamakah mulletman

guess what? IT'S A ZOE BLOG! BE PREPARED TO BE THOROUGHLY CONFUSED BY MY AMAZING RANDOMNESS!
Today= motherfreakingmommy amazing. Meaning, it was most definately fun! I slept in on purpose because I didn't feel liek going to sunday school this morning, (because I was watching saturday night live last night..tee hee!) but i went to regular church anyhow and I had a good time. There was a guest preacher (if thats what you wanna call it) and he did the sermon. He most definately got my attention. He was a shouter. I thought it was ok for the first ten minutes, then he started drifting of into a whirlwind of "aircrafts" and "battleships" and then Iw as completely lost. Oh well. There were cookies afterchurch which made things awesome.

After church I came home and did all my homework then went to squirell hill with christianna. As usual, we always have an amazing time. (lol, that soudns like we went on a date or something XD) First stop was to avalon, and I got some clothes and stuff then we went to...OMFG I JUST REMEMBERED THAT THERES SOME CHOCLATE LEFT OVER IN MY BAG! YESS!.....*and now she continues, choclate at hand*....ok back to what I was saying. We went to panaras for dinner (BREEEAAAAD) and I had this bomb sandwitch and this really awesomely refreshing iced green tea. yurmm. Then we went and roamed around barnes and noble, and split a chocolate bar that we got from Rite Aide. and thats what I'mw ating right now. its so darn good. its milk choclate with almonds and toffee. It is SO good. best cocolate ever. But so, I got home a few hours ago and sung my heart out in the shower while playing some awesome music. I dance in the shower. I totally do. my showers are epic. * I did not just say that did I? epic? ugh I disgust myself.* Anyways, I've been miss happypants basically since friday. Saturday morning I woke up almost raidating sunshine. I swear I could have been puking rainbows or like burping magican music or something. It was that scary. I mean I woke up, did a classic stretch, leaped out of bed and went around my house saying "GOODMORNING!" to just about everything and everyone. I think they were scared. I was scared.

And what AM I doing right now you ask? well, I just finished the last of the chocolate bar, and I'm listening to coldplay. oh alright fine, I'll see whats playing...ok it's "Square one" and it's kind of boring me. I'm going to sitch it to "nothing to worry about" Peter Bjorn and John.

and now, Zoe is Signing off. SIANARA!

-zOE

Life, life, life.

I know, I know, I haven't written a post in some time, but my blogging craving come in random spurts. I'm thinking about doing a daily blog, but if I know myself at all, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to keep it going. Anyways, I've been up to lots of things lately. CAPA audition went great, however I'm on the waiting list *bum*. SO, just waiting for the next letter to arrive. It's so sunny today! I woke up feeling so great, with the sun shining, just thanking God for sun. I continue to be amazed by his awesome creations everyday. So, recent life, recent life...hmmm where to start? Well...room update: NOT finished at all. It's kind of pissing me off a bit, because I mean, my parents said that for my birthday they would give me a new re-done room right, but I feel like now theres saying "well, heres the catch, you need to do it yourself, because were busy" well guess what? I'm busy too! I want my room back really bad but I feel like Im the only one working up there. My dad is a contractor, and he has showed me how to fix stuff, aka refinish furniature, fix walls, paint walls, put downs flooring etc, etc. But still, my room is HUGE. and I'm still spackeling adn trying to fix the cracks in the wall. Im working up there because I want my room back and nobody else is un-busy enough to help me! But lately ive been busy too, with school and trying to catch up and stuff. so, its tough. Life is tough in general, always has been for me. With problems with family, friends, balencing life and life issues is really hard. But, I try and keep my head up :).
it's weird, I mean a lot of people would have never guessed I have so much crap going on in my life, because at the same time, I have a lot of good stuff going on, and I always seem like I'm happy all the time! I guess I don't share those parts of my life with people that often because I'm afraid it will change their whole view of who I am. But those parts of my life make up who I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pretending to be happy. I am a happy person, despite some of the bad things that happen in my life. I just don't like to dwell on the fact that I DO have some crap going on. So, i keep my head up and stay happy. This is just...life as she knows it. And I'm okay with that.


ANyhow, I'm thinking about writing a 25 things about me *GASP* on here ;) so, here goes.

1. I can read people really well. Just by body language, speech, look...I feel like I can read you like a book. It's weird, but I can. I can understand people really well, and I love talking with people.

2. If I notice your the chill type I'll be completely chill around you as so not to freak you out with my exposive randomness. don't get me wrong, i love being chill too. I blend into whatever kind of atmosphere I am in. hang out with me a lot and I'll show you that explosive side :).

3.Sometimes I scare myself about how weird I am XD

4. I love brushing my teeth!

5. I feel liek I"m 40 billion people all at once. I can be quiet, ridiculously loud, crazy, serious, calm, extremely energetic, scarily insane, scarily sane, thoughtful, outgoing, shy, sad, happy,.....I've got like a different state of mind for every possible sitation :) but sometimes I'm like waaaayyy too crazy in really bad situations, like a funeral or something and I'll just burst out laughing. Or, I'm really quiet and chill at a time when I'm supposed to be crazy. :) Im such a weirdo!

6. I love sunshine so so much. SO much.

7. When i was five I started to take Ballet lessons, and I danced until I was 13. I was really gifted in dance and by age 11 was put into an advanced class with mostly 16/17 year-olds. But for some reason after 11 I became distracted with dance, and I just wasnt any good anymore. I dont know what went wrong, but I just...couldnt do it. my teachers were dissapointed with me, and my dream of being a dancer when I grew up just kind of faded away...soemtimes I still wish I could dance as well as I used to be able to. It's weird to think that that used to be my main priority in life, and it was what people thought when they saw me. It was always Zoe= dancer. I feel liek I still have the potential to dance with grace and passion like I used to , but something about putting together dance moves confused my head...I don't think I will ever be able to dance liek I used to ever again.

8. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do when I grow up. Or even for college for that matter. I want to do something in the arts. Saturday night live has been my favorite show for a long time, and I've been told that I'm really great with improvising. I love acting, but I dont get that many opportunities to act. I used to though. I took improv classes and it was fun! so i playa round with this dream of being on SNL one day. other than that, possibly a film maker/director/cinematographer...photographer, art therapist, be in a band....learn to play the guitar...and about a bajillion other ideas!

9. I LOVE to ride my bike. riding on sunny days is like bliss to me. In the summer, my bike is my main form of transportation. give me directions and I'll go anywhere on my bike. When I was 11 I biked 120 miles to my grandmothers house with my father and brother. It tooks two days and was a ton of work, but it was a fun trip.

10. I love the woods. I love being in the woods, the forest....nature....It's my absolute favorite place to be. Take me to a forest and your my hero.

11. my longest (and only hah) relationship lasted almost 8 months.

12. I've been to Anne Franks house in Amsterdam, Corrie ten booms house in Berliner, Mozart's house in Salzburg, the Church of the scouraged savior in Waidhofen (germany), the cologne cathederal (koln, germany) Bethiem castle (where I met the prince of benthiem), Neauschwanstein castle, mirabell gardens, and all over the summer, 2008. I got to sing in every single one of those places except for anne franks house, and mozarts house. It was the most incredible experience of my entire life. I will never ever forget how amazing it was.

13. I've been drawing since I could crawl.

14. I love God. Hes incredible.

15. If I could have any superpower, it would be to be able to transport myself into any time or place. If I could go anywhere, I would go to some time where humans didnt exist...or where time didnt exist (whis isnt real, but bear with me. were talkign about SUPERPOWERS here) to a beautiful forest or island, or jungle somewhere that didnt exist and sit and be there, and then be able to come back to my own time and home whenever I wanted, and I wouldnt have missed a thing.

16. I can't read music. I can read solfege, and I can sight read solfege once given a pitch. I don't know how to decifer key, or time signiature. I was never taught.

17. I've been told I have an incredible voice from my brother, who is the only person to ever hear me sing to my fullest extent. I hold back when I sing in public because I'm afraid of what people will think.

18. I love to write stories, but I never finish them. I write poetry every now and then as well.

19. Sidewalk chalk is so much fun. I make huge abstract murals on my front walkway in the summer. I love it.

20. My dad is an artist. He has his own website for his T shirt designs. hes also a woodworker, a contractor, and a dad.

21. My mom is an evangelist and tells people about God for a living. Shes so silly and lovable and I love her to death.

22. I have an older brother who is crazy as hell, but I wouldn't trade him for anything. SOmetimes I wish he would grow up and stop being an idiot, but I love him for who he is none the less. He is my brother, and I love him.

23. I always brush my teeth in the shower.

24. I LOVE my name. couldnt ask for a more awesome, perfect name for me. It means Life :)

25. I care so much about people. If you ever need to talk about anything, I am always here and I am always willing to help you. Nobody should ever have to be stuck alone with their problems. I know how it feels. That's why I love to help people. I care.

and there you have it!
veinty y cinco facts about mi!

My EXTRAORDINARILY stressful day. in other words, Crap.

Heres the scoop:
no, scratch that I dont like that...
hmmm... heres the story:
ok too boring........

.......... JUST LISTEN TO THIS!

muuuch better

So heres what went down. So I'm the regular monday babysitter for this great family at my church. My job is to pick their 7 year old son up from the busstop, and walk back to their house and basically just help with him homework, give him his snack etc. But today got all messed up.
I always walk from my house to the busstop on mondays. But I live in a really bad neighborhood so sometimes I get freaked out. OK, I'm always freaked out. but today I was walking, and I tried to avoid this group of teens that always bother me. So I turned up a different street, when I noticed a man following me. I get pretty nervous when I see ANYONE now a days since after everything that has happened in the past. But I kept on walking, and he looked like he was gone. But when I got up to a different street he suddenly emerged from an allyway and came up right next to me! So I tried to cross the street so I could get away from him and then he stopped and started talking to me. He just said "how you doin" and I just ignored him. then he asked again so I said "im fine." and then he stood there and said "do you live around here?" and I just mumbled "no." even though I lived about two blocks away. He said "dont be scared" but pfft..I know when to be scared. I just walked away from him and kept on going. I was completely spazzy and paranoid. I thought I had lost him, when I had almost gotten out of my neighborhood. I turned around and I thought I spotted him again. It could have been some other guy but I swear it was him again. So I walked really really fast and went down another random street and I completely lost him. I was totally relieved. When I finally got to the busstop I thought maybe I was late because none of the parents were standing there anymore. And the regular crossingguard was gone, and another woman was there. I asked her what time it was because it was the one week I didn't have my phone because I left my charger at my grandmother's and it's been dead since then. "4:00" she said. I was right on time. That's weird, I thought. All I could think was that Charlie was with his mom or dad and I would figure it out and then have to walk home...alone again. After the corssingguard had noticed that I was standinig there for quite a long time, she asked me if I was waiting for someone. I told her that I was the babysitter for a little boy and he usually comes about this time. I explained that I was wondering where all the parents were, and I described each parent that I remember seeing. "oh yeah theyv'e all came and gone". Oh my gosh....but I'm not late! I thought. She what school he went to. Funny she would ask...nobody ever told me.. really. ALl I kenw is that I pick him up, take him home and everythings all good from there. I gave her a name of a school that I now know is wrong, but she said she couldnt remember if they had come or not because it was her first time there and she was just a substitute. So she would'nt have known any of the kids anyhow. So She asked if I knew the numebr of his mother. It was in my phone....I felt so horrible. The Crossingguard told me I could use her cellphone, no problem. I called my house and thank goodness my knew the number. I called his mom immediately and tried to explain things. "are you serious?" she said. "y-yea.." I said. "Oh my God...Zoe you should have called sooner!" I tried to blurt out about my phone,but I didn't really have time to explain my phone fandango mess. I was so anxious. She was surprisingly calm though, for a mom. I would have been hysterical. She told me to look for a certain house that was their neighbor's house and that if charlie got off the bus and saw that I was not there, he would have gone there. So I rung a few doorbells, but nobody seemed to be home. Thats when I started to get REALLY spazzy. I started thinking, what if Charlie really did get off the bus and I wasn't there fo rhim and when he went to the neighbor's house they weren't home...and now he's just wandering around! my mind was going insane. And just in the knick of time I remembered that I no longer remembered his mom's phone number, and she asked me to find any phone and call her from it after I checked at the neighbor's. I thought about it and remembered that the parent's number's were posted right inside the house, and that I had a key. So I ran and let myself into their house and called the mom. Meanwhile The crossingguard had drove off home. The mother had called the bus company, the school, and the neighbor's. When I got ahold of her again she had told me that a little girl from charlie's school had gotten onto the wrong bus and had to stop all bus traffic to fiure out how to get the girl back to where she belonged. So the bus was just really, really, late. Charlie was safe. I was so glad. She told me that she had called the crossingguard to tell her that the bus was just really really late and that if she could, could she please come back. She came back in time, and about 15 minutes later and we met once again at the busstop, I thanked her so much for letteing me use her phone. and because I had used it ro call the mother, it was in her phone and she was able to call the crossingguard to talk to me. She had called to apologize for telling me I should have called earlier, realizing that I didn't have a phone. I thought, hey I would have done the same thing in her situation. I think any mom would. I was glad she wasn't really upset with me. Soon the bus arrived and Charlie stepped off his bus and ran toward me. I was so happy. He had no idea what happened, and he just thought the bus was late for no reason. It was now 5:00 pm. I had been outside since 3:30 and I didn't feel like explaining to Charlie what had happened. I was just happy that he was safe and that I wasnt going to be fired and or KILLED for loosing someone's child. I probably would have just died from utter saddness if I was ever the cause of something like that. I was freezing and My hands and feet were stiff from the cold and begining to hurt. When we reached his house we went in and I made us some hot chocolate and I just sat down and thought about how good it was that everyone is safe. And that I wasn't going to get my head bitten off by an angry mom. That just might have been the perfect thing to top off my day. not. Anyhow, I'm home safe now, and I told my mom the whole story. Shes going to drive me to work from now on and it's all good.
and this has been an extremely long blog.
sorry just felt like it may have been a good topic to write a blog about :D
im fine now, don't worry bout me :)

I need some icecream now.



-Zoë

crap. I just broke my new years resolution. about fort million times ..ARGGHHHHHHFHSJHF;USHUIFSU

New Years Resolutions and Night Out

Hey Guys!

So I have a new years resolution to share with you guys that I'm sure you will all appreciate. So check this: my new years resolution is TO NOT MAKE TYPOS. yess. skills right? yes. and Also I'm actually going to try and write this blog without any typos. When I read my last blog to myself It was ridiculous...it's sad really how many typos I make. Sometimes my sentances wouldnt even make sense...SO WERE NOT GONNA DO THAT ANYMORE ZOE MMKAY? MMKAY.
Anyways now for the more awesometastic part of my blog.
So saturday I hung out with people from this asian youth group (I know...amazing..) and it was pretty cool...but then we went iceskating. And dude, let me tell you: It was awesome. We drove up to down town Pittsburgh and went to the awesome ice rink there which had this really cool christmas tree right in the center. All the trees were lit up with white lights around us, and we were surrounded by the PPG building which was like shining all around us. It just felt like a dream.(but like a cool dream... because sometimes you know how you have those dreams where evything is really awesome but it's like super trippy so it just messes everythign up? yeah well it was just awesome. No trippyness. just pure fantasticosity.) Crap I have to back up for a second because I fogot about dinner beforehand. REWIND. ok so we walked over to Subway first off, and it was a beautiful night, with the little crescant moon up in the sky...just chillin there :D. SO we walked into subway and I guess they were closing or something because the dude behind the counter was just like..not really there. I figured he had like a camera in his little office in the back and he could see whenever people were coming in and came out then while he was chillin in his office smoking pot or something XD. I didnt get a sub because subway is just so subwayish. Don't question me. So anyhow, Instead of eatign a sub I talked and talked about randomness...my favorite subject.
After the subway expedition we all walked up to PPG. I was stoked for iceskating. I hadn't gone yet this year, so I was pretty exited. I brought my own Iceskates...and i had to lace them up while eveyone was just like strapping on their shiny plastic blue skates. I felt pretty lame, but hey, i love my skates :) they have this like sweet blue fur in the inside. frikkin yeaaaa. Just before we were about to get on the ice My bestest pally (wow that was gross of me to say) meg showed up. *makes a super awesome hand gesture symbolizing the amazingness of meagan's arrival* I went in with her to get her skates and all that other good stuff and then we were off, on the ice having a blast.
Just skating away woth the wind blowing across my face and the moon shining down on us, with the blur of the lights all around us just made everything magical. (uhmm.. that sounded cheesy.. ) but...I really couldnt help but smile and laugh the whole night. I havent been that happy in a while.

anyhow Im feeling a bit of distractednessosity/daydreamingosity coming so I should probably stop typing now...

Ilovecookiessooomuchhhmmmmmyay

-Zoe

NEW YEARS

I apologize in advance for the millions of typos that will most likely be in this blog taht I am too lazy to fix.

WOAH. I've got about a bajillion different New Years stories to tell you guys. So first Off, I went over to my friend Emma's house, and we were just hangin out right, and Emma asks me to go down to the basement to get her a soda. SO, Id id (being the amazinf friend that I am :D) AND wandered down into her dark basement, fumbling for her light switch, and When I finally find it, I just about pee myself when I see this dead looking Manequin body lying on the floor and looking straight at me. SO obviously I flipped, and it basically just looked like a dead body just chillin on the ground. Meanwhile, Emmas laughing hysterically, listening to me freaking out in the basement. I just ran upstairs to see her cracking up. aparently her mom saw it on the side of the road and thought it was a waste to throww away because mannequins are like really expensive or something...so she brought it home in her trunk and put it in the basement. I have no idea what theyre going to do with it.
Anyhow, It was REALLY fun to scare everyone with at her New years eve party that night. We scared her Boyfriend, The PRIEST (who happens to be brittish, so that gives us extra points)and a lot of 12 year old girls. SO the mannequin came in handy.
After playing wii for a while, me and hannah decided to raid the dress up bin and put on riddiculous clothes, just because Were like that. SO we did, and then God all the other ppl ( like people that were our age too) to dress up, and we got one kid to wear a dress (skills). SO we went outside and started dancing in the streets, when we got this amazing Idea to go trick or treating.
So we go up as this mob of weirldy dressed teens to this door, and this old man answers and we all shout "trick or treat!!" then Emmas boyfriend just said "yeah...uh, so we missed halloween.." And the old man (whos like italion or something) just looks at us and says "what is this?...I have no treats" So we were you know, just like whatevs it's cool no problem and walked away, then went back to Emmas.
Then the girls slept over afterwards and we found some weirdass movie that didnt have ANY stars, and it wasnt shown it theatres it was so bad. (like not innapropriate..just bad acting bad movie, stupid/gay..etc.) Anyways, it was this 80's film, with David Bowie, (yeah, im talkign about the music artist..if you want to call him an artist..) and It's about some effed up girl who like speaks to goblins and gets sucked into this goblin world, and theer are these puppet goblins everyhwere.....
ok Im just realizing now that what Im talking about just s unds like some weird acid trip..so im just going to stop describing it and put a link here for you guys to check it out XD
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yt2zoY45508
anyways, THE POINT IS.. we were laughing our asses off :)
good times.

And As Im now noticing that this has been a completely crap blog..I'll stop ranting now.
HOW WAS YOUR NEW YEARS?!

-Zoe